Tips and Tidbits to use!

 Consider this a library of ideas.  Find some practical ideas about how to make your life better. For more information about these and other issues contact the EAP.  Our counselors are full of ways to help you manage life.  The following note should help you get started. Click on the Topics to the left for more.

Dealing with Difficult People

 We all can be difficult at times.  Some people, however, seem to rely primarily on difficult behaviors to navigate their life.  If you live or work with a complainer, whiner, bully or know-it-all their difficult behaviors can have a big impact on your life.

 Feeling stressed or insecure or being selfish can create difficult behaviors in some people.  Even wanting to be liked and accepted, but not having adequate social skills, can result in behavior that’s hard to deal with.

  These six steps can help you respond in a constructive way:

 1.       Identify the specific behavior that is creating difficulty.  Focus on the behavior, not the person. 

2.       Detach. Don’t take it personally.  Even though their comment or behavior was directed at you this time, it is the type of behavior they’ve used many times with many different people. Since it’s worked for them in the past to control a situation, they rely on it again and again.

3.       Analyze what the other person’s needs are in this situation and what their fears might be.  Distinguish those difficult behaviors that are intentional and those that are insensitive, but not intentional.

4.       Look at your responses and your role.  Are you responding to a bully with submission or with aggression?  Are you arguing with a know-it-all?  Are you placating a whiner? You may be taking the bait and dangling on a continuous  line of difficult behavior and reinforcing responses.

5.       Look for areas of agreement.  Listen to the message behind the difficult behavior and acknowledge the other person’s point of view to demonstrate that you have heard their point.  Empathize with their feelings. Your empathy will disarm most difficult behaviors.

After they know you have heard them, you can share your perspective.

6.       Problem Solve.  At this point you can begin to address the issue that engendered these difficult behaviors.

Some difficult behaviors require creative response.

Negative Complainers want to be heard, but often aren’t ready for helpful intervention.  Listen. Acknowledge their feelings without buying into their negativity. Avoid offering solutions or offering to help; it’s likely to be shot down.  Leave the problem solving in their lap.

Bulldozers are aggressive, hostile, intimidating and demeaning.  Don’t argue with them.

Remain calm.  Maintain eye contact. Listen.  When they have vented their frustration, acknowledge their point of view and then calmly state your case.  You may need to conclude the conversation with an agreement to disagree.

Sneaky gossips use sarcasm to undermine others.  It helps them feel more powerful.

Shift the focus from people and personalities to the issue at hand.  Be pleasant but firm in sticking to the problem and not discussing the personalities.

The EAP  is available to help your brainstorm responses and coping strategies  if you’re experiencing repeated conflict with someone at work or home.